Magic Mike | a big disappointment

Monday, July 2, 2012 by Nicole | 27 Comments

I don’t think I’ve ever written a movie review on this blog. Everybody’s got their own opinion and reviews of anything can get dicey. If you agree, fine. If you don’t, fine. But I spent $9.00 to watch Magic Mike and I directly contributed to its $40-million-weekend at the box office.

MAJOR ISSUES WITH MAGIC MIKE (the movie)

TV commercials were better than the actual movie.
The acting was terrible.
I didn’t expect much of a storyline, but I thought it would better than *THAT*.
There was not enough raunchy-ness. I wanted more. Lots more.
The chairs in the movie theater should have vibrated.

Dear Matthew McHottness,

The “lawwww breaker” scene at the beginning was awesome. Can we replay that and fill the 2 hour and 5 minute movie? And, what’s up with your character’s name? Could the screenwriters not think of a more original name for a native Texan than Dallas? You as a self-worshiping club owner was NOT attractive.

Dear Tatum Channing,

Or is it Channing Tatum? Dude, I don’t even know your name. That’s sad. Anyway, as Magic Mike you’re HOT and a pretty good dancer. Oh wait, what’s that? You were an actual dancer and stripper? Ohhhhh, you have real-life experience. How nice.

Dear Kevin Nash,

What the hell are you, a professional wrestler, doing on a movie screen? Kevin, no offense, Ol’Buddy, but stick to the wrestling gig. Don’t you remember, I had a crush on you when I was 12 and you were “wra-seeling” with the bad boys of the New World Order? Yeah, I also wanted Sting to kick your ass. He did, occasionally. Why am I admitting to watching professional wrestling? Anyway, your dancing looks like a stiff robot but you look good for your age. Sort of.

Dear The Kid,

I don’t know your real name and I have no desire to find out. Your character, Adam, was nicknamed The Kid, and I wasn’t impressed with you. My biggest issue was the drug addiction. Passing out because you’re drunk and over-dosed on Ecstasy, and nearly choking to death on your own vomit, is *NOT* attractive ….. no matter how well you dance or look semi-nude.

Dear husbands accompanying their wives in the movie theater,

Are you eff-ing crazy? Besides getting the attention of the female crowd (including a loud applause), why were you there? Do you not have friends that would have taken you to Hooters? By all means, I hope you got some very special *treatment* when you got home.

Now, go watch the movie (without your lover) so you can say you’ve seen Matthew McHottness’s naked ass in leather chaps. Then, show-off those dance moves in the bedroom.

Sorry, Mom and Dad.